The Question That keeps on Popping up.

I came to fuss, I came to raise hell, I wanted to be able to let go and let everything slip away from what I have been holding in but at the same time, I am at a loss of words, I am at a loss of everything right now.

All I can do is scream out what has been going through my head for a very long time, and this is WHY? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do I feel as if it is nothing I can do? And then I ask Why has the communication left, leaving me speechless, and feeling like Nothing? Again I ask WHY?

Chandra

SOLITUDE

Do you hear the silence?

It talks to me…

Whispers in its own sweet melody.

The sting of solitude confines me in time
Like a Blind man looking for sunshine,

I feel the pain of autumn,

Leaves departing from trees

And feel the pangs of the night’s chilly breeze.

I hear the silent sighs of rain drops

The shadow of dark menacing clouds

As I search for a glimpse of life

Trapped in a cage of solitude.

Don’t free me from fetters of seclusion

Don’t search for hope in my soul

Just give me peace, give me bliss

Give me a reason to be missed.

Solitude…unspoken…

Transfixed by time...unbroken.

I...Cease to exist!!!

Goodbye to all those doubts, to all those worries...goodbye to all those words laden with poison!!!

The Crystal Maze was dying slowly...today it breathed its last!!!

Friends or Foes?

I would like to know if we are using the word "friend" to loosely here lately? YES this is a rant, not just for you but, for me as well.

We have our best friends, friends and associates., please answer me this, Why in the world do some people take pride in seeing you cry, sad, mad and ready to have a breakdown? Why do some people start a bunch of trouble and then run off like they have had nothing to do with the state of mind that you are in? These are the same people that you and I have classified as friends once. They tell you they are there for you and that anytime you need to talk they are there.. (bullshit)

People, if you can only come and talk/chat with me and it always being some rumors or something that is bad then I feel like you are not my friend... Friends don't like their friends being down all the time, or do they? (cause if they do, I guess I would be friendless) If things are bad and or complicated in a persons life why add more complication? I guess I was that gullible person that was too nice and did not see (or want to see) a bad side to some of the people I thought of as friends..

I have found that I have been way to nice to people that don't care about my happiness or me for that fact, whether it be online or off. If you have something to tell me from now about about a friend of mine, ex, sister, cousin or whatever it is.. Please think twice. I do go to that person and ask if that has been said or either I get mad and end up ruining that wonderful friendship with the person you told me about. I know I am to blame also. I am to blame for trusting you, Loving you and most of all, letting down my guard to let you become of piece of my life. Better yet, I did not see through you quick enough to save myself from calling you a friend.

IF you don't have your information correct, if you don't want your name brought up in the confrontation, if you don't want to look like a fool, think before you speak, or use someones name to benefit your "popularity or to let me know you are such a good friend, because all you let me know is that if you will pack their business, you are probably packing mine also.

It gets so difficult at times. Those endless tears after taking that 5 minute call, reminding me again that it was all once there and closing my eyes doesn't mean it never existed.

How I wish to know in my heart you're that person one call, one breath away; once more. I wish to call you at odd times, just to know, just to be sure you'll pick up each time, so that there can be one night that I sleep happily in the knowledge that there's no wall in between us.

I still know that you are a gem. I'm still thankful for those smiles that came right from my heart. I wish you touch my heart again and stay here to hold me when I wish to dance. So you tell me you regret letting me go... I did not reply. My answer would have been complicated and heavy with sadness and helplessness. It meant a lot for me, more than I'll ever show anymore. Can I ask you to come back and be assured that the crazy friendship we had once, you'd go against all odds just to be here with me one more time? Can I get the feeling that you'd do the craziest of things just for friendship's sake?

Please come back... It's agonizing to pretend everything's fine. I don't care what the world thinks of this, all I care about is having everything back... everything we created. I miss you...

....

dear T

i hope you are doing well...

i tried calling you last night... i wasn't gona say anything, there was nothing to say, just wanted to hear ur voice. i wanted so bad to hear ur voice, breathed a prayer that you won't reject my call, cz that would have broken my heart once again. glad that ur voice mail was on, glad you didnt reject me one more time...

i had a troubled night, waking up several times and asking myself in that sleepy state if ur network provider service sends you a list of those numbers who call but don't know leave any message... dreams of you, your voice ringing in my ear... you you you... that's all i dreamt about last night, like the previous 2 weeks...

it rained last night, it thundered so loud and while it did i was out on the terrace... the water didnt feel cold, the thunder didn't scare me.... shortly something snapped inside me and i cried with the rain... helplessness... helpless to let your hand go... iv been pulling at it for so long, making you stay... i realized i was getting nowhere because the magic that we had had long gone and even if i were single again, nothing would be the same. 

i was scared out of my wits when i attempted to take shower... the water felt so frightening as if it would drown me... it hit hard against my bare shoulders and sent shudders down my body till i was forced to step out.

im learning to drive again, push out the fear i had that i'd hit into something or someone, then i imagined you. you have a driving license... how you celebrated when u got it... how happy you were... i was never a part of it. 

on my way back i recalled sidra's wall post that said you called her when she was sleeping. a surge of anger and jealousy ran through me... you must be calling up other frnds like you called me.... it wont be long till you get someone to replace me and that'll be the end of me in your mind. 

why does it have to be like this when i gave you nothing but sincere devotion? i could and still can cry tears for ur pain b4 even you do... i still cant decide if i can ever hate you... yea so i got a little cranky and went mad but i went mad cz they pulled you away... the fuckin pulled you away and you went away just like that... bond... our bond... was there ever any? was that "has-been" real or is this new practical life without you real? i have everyone with me... but that void doesn't fill.... only you can fill that space... damn you! why do you have to be what you are to me??

if i ever meet you in this big life where people lose touch and get lost easily, i would have only one question for you : "WHY?"

Better Off Alone!!

I'm sick of people's judgements... their eyes their stares burning into my skin. Why do they have to be like that? Don't they have a life of their own? I wish this world was a simpler place.... I will rant about it more, but not for now... I wish they'd read this one.. just leave me alone!!! I'm better off alone than to try and be the way THEY want me!

Thanks for this new place Mayz... this is a perfect place for all that I am bottling up. Expressing becomes so important at times... letting it out is the only way to be happy again. I miss that one friend who never judged me... (you know who)... and though a lot... practically a LOT has changed, I do miss that time a lot... Sometimes it's okay to cry a little in order to be fine.

Thanks again for this place Mayz!

Just Let Me Be.....!!!

Dunno just why people cant live their own lives and let me be.

I hate it when the top priority of people's lives become interfering into what I am doing. As in how does it matter to them, and anyways also how does it even effect them even an inch. But no, they have to keep on interfering, poke their nose in my business and go on irritating me. Why..?? Why..?? Why..??

Well... to that there can be so many reasons - #1 - They dont have a life. - So, for that, Get A Life... Dude. Coz I have one of my own and I am contented with it, and I dont need or look out for your inputs from time to time. So before I lose my patience better get a life of yours or You'll see a different side, which is not that sweet. Please do not do that, you are a fren and be one, and a gud one on that.


I hate it, when people dont take me as I am. I really really dont like it when they draw their own meanings to my words. Please dont do that, it hurts me a lot because I relly never mean such things, its just a matter of - Difference of perception. :( Sorry for all the times. Yeah I am saying sorry coz maybe Its my fault that I am not able to make you understand what I mean. Sorry, Love you so much.


(Hope this post makes sense :P)