The Question That keeps on Popping up.

I came to fuss, I came to raise hell, I wanted to be able to let go and let everything slip away from what I have been holding in but at the same time, I am at a loss of words, I am at a loss of everything right now.

All I can do is scream out what has been going through my head for a very long time, and this is WHY? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do I feel as if it is nothing I can do? And then I ask Why has the communication left, leaving me speechless, and feeling like Nothing? Again I ask WHY?

Chandra

....

dear T

i hope you are doing well...

i tried calling you last night... i wasn't gona say anything, there was nothing to say, just wanted to hear ur voice. i wanted so bad to hear ur voice, breathed a prayer that you won't reject my call, cz that would have broken my heart once again. glad that ur voice mail was on, glad you didnt reject me one more time...

i had a troubled night, waking up several times and asking myself in that sleepy state if ur network provider service sends you a list of those numbers who call but don't know leave any message... dreams of you, your voice ringing in my ear... you you you... that's all i dreamt about last night, like the previous 2 weeks...

it rained last night, it thundered so loud and while it did i was out on the terrace... the water didnt feel cold, the thunder didn't scare me.... shortly something snapped inside me and i cried with the rain... helplessness... helpless to let your hand go... iv been pulling at it for so long, making you stay... i realized i was getting nowhere because the magic that we had had long gone and even if i were single again, nothing would be the same. 

i was scared out of my wits when i attempted to take shower... the water felt so frightening as if it would drown me... it hit hard against my bare shoulders and sent shudders down my body till i was forced to step out.

im learning to drive again, push out the fear i had that i'd hit into something or someone, then i imagined you. you have a driving license... how you celebrated when u got it... how happy you were... i was never a part of it. 

on my way back i recalled sidra's wall post that said you called her when she was sleeping. a surge of anger and jealousy ran through me... you must be calling up other frnds like you called me.... it wont be long till you get someone to replace me and that'll be the end of me in your mind. 

why does it have to be like this when i gave you nothing but sincere devotion? i could and still can cry tears for ur pain b4 even you do... i still cant decide if i can ever hate you... yea so i got a little cranky and went mad but i went mad cz they pulled you away... the fuckin pulled you away and you went away just like that... bond... our bond... was there ever any? was that "has-been" real or is this new practical life without you real? i have everyone with me... but that void doesn't fill.... only you can fill that space... damn you! why do you have to be what you are to me??

if i ever meet you in this big life where people lose touch and get lost easily, i would have only one question for you : "WHY?"

Just Let Me Be.....!!!

Dunno just why people cant live their own lives and let me be.

I hate it when the top priority of people's lives become interfering into what I am doing. As in how does it matter to them, and anyways also how does it even effect them even an inch. But no, they have to keep on interfering, poke their nose in my business and go on irritating me. Why..?? Why..?? Why..??

Well... to that there can be so many reasons - #1 - They dont have a life. - So, for that, Get A Life... Dude. Coz I have one of my own and I am contented with it, and I dont need or look out for your inputs from time to time. So before I lose my patience better get a life of yours or You'll see a different side, which is not that sweet. Please do not do that, you are a fren and be one, and a gud one on that.


I hate it, when people dont take me as I am. I really really dont like it when they draw their own meanings to my words. Please dont do that, it hurts me a lot because I relly never mean such things, its just a matter of - Difference of perception. :( Sorry for all the times. Yeah I am saying sorry coz maybe Its my fault that I am not able to make you understand what I mean. Sorry, Love you so much.


(Hope this post makes sense :P)

((Not so..)) ..Silent Cribbings..!!

People say.. They are irritated..!! People say..They are Frustrated..!! People say..They don’t want this to carry on any longer..!! I ask all of of them … Are they then doing anything..If anything at all to change it..??//

It seems so easier to put other under scrutiny and through questions, but have I ever asked myself…what am I doing towards my frustrations..?? The answer Obviously is a big ‘NO’. Its not that I don’t wanna do anything about it, but its just that, I don’t know what to do.

I say..I am irritated and frustrated. But most of the times I don’t know for myself what exactly I am irritated or frustrated about. What makes me feel that frustrated over life. Though with time, and after much soughtful insights, I have come to know that the answer to it is… Not doing anything towards it, just cribbing and cribbing and more cribbing…!!

Ø I am Frustrated with my Current Day patters

Ø I am pissed over myself for making hasty decisions with the current job

Ø I am Pissed at myself for not speaking against that senior at the right time

Ø I am pissed at myself for not putting into action my wishes

Ø I am pissed at myself for convincing myself for not giving a fight for the person, who meant so much to me

Ø I am pissed at myself for not expressing myself in reality and letting the logical head take control.

Ø I am pissed at myself for letting the logical head take over even in the matters of Heart sometimes

Ø I am pissed at myself for not taking the first step forward

But what still makes me happy, is the fact that after all these facts I don’t and cannot hate myself, I have accepted my faults in the past and decided not to repeat them, be cautious and let the Heart take control. Give the Head little rest…and just go with flow. And most importantly move towards a new change a new life, which will put an end to my current tensions and frustrations.