Monday, June 1, 2009

....

dear T

i hope you are doing well...

i tried calling you last night... i wasn't gona say anything, there was nothing to say, just wanted to hear ur voice. i wanted so bad to hear ur voice, breathed a prayer that you won't reject my call, cz that would have broken my heart once again. glad that ur voice mail was on, glad you didnt reject me one more time...

i had a troubled night, waking up several times and asking myself in that sleepy state if ur network provider service sends you a list of those numbers who call but don't know leave any message... dreams of you, your voice ringing in my ear... you you you... that's all i dreamt about last night, like the previous 2 weeks...

it rained last night, it thundered so loud and while it did i was out on the terrace... the water didnt feel cold, the thunder didn't scare me.... shortly something snapped inside me and i cried with the rain... helplessness... helpless to let your hand go... iv been pulling at it for so long, making you stay... i realized i was getting nowhere because the magic that we had had long gone and even if i were single again, nothing would be the same. 

i was scared out of my wits when i attempted to take shower... the water felt so frightening as if it would drown me... it hit hard against my bare shoulders and sent shudders down my body till i was forced to step out.

im learning to drive again, push out the fear i had that i'd hit into something or someone, then i imagined you. you have a driving license... how you celebrated when u got it... how happy you were... i was never a part of it. 

on my way back i recalled sidra's wall post that said you called her when she was sleeping. a surge of anger and jealousy ran through me... you must be calling up other frnds like you called me.... it wont be long till you get someone to replace me and that'll be the end of me in your mind. 

why does it have to be like this when i gave you nothing but sincere devotion? i could and still can cry tears for ur pain b4 even you do... i still cant decide if i can ever hate you... yea so i got a little cranky and went mad but i went mad cz they pulled you away... the fuckin pulled you away and you went away just like that... bond... our bond... was there ever any? was that "has-been" real or is this new practical life without you real? i have everyone with me... but that void doesn't fill.... only you can fill that space... damn you! why do you have to be what you are to me??

if i ever meet you in this big life where people lose touch and get lost easily, i would have only one question for you : "WHY?"

15 comments:

Rajeev R said...

Love, Relationship are beyond the usual questions....and answers, beyond transitions of boundaries, and peels of laughter...its u n me, its u n the whole world....

Not everyone gets what one desire. And therein, lies the irony as well as beauty of life. Take life, every pinch as it comes......

Lovely Blog, Wonderful Post, Beautiful Theme. Keep up...


RAJ
http://bharatmelange.blogspot.com

Mayz said...

is this love you r talkin abt or an obsession...nah dependancy on a person...i kno this feelin...i have been thru it n came out stronger...
d person u talk abt atlst gave u smthn to remember...smthn to rant abt...smthn tangible...u had smthn tangible wid T...

d youth in us dsnt understand reasons...d emotions r jus too strong...v r overwhelmed...thr is no pt tryin to hold back d tears...they cleanse...they heal...they wash away d pain in ur eyes helpin u to c things better...clearer...

rise from d shadows of ur pain mehr...thr r brighter doors waitin for ya...memories r not supposed to decide our future...they r jus a steppin stone to a grown up self

*hugs*

rabbit said...

mayz has said it to perfection...

Usirae said...

ya its true wen v get neglisence by one whom v love very much that time v feel like ,our space going to open mouth and i amgoing to inside .now i am in same situation but now also i am feeling happy .
from wrong english writter

heart diary said...

u love someone madly..u r completely absorbed in tht person...lost in bliss..whn u open ur eyes u see tht person has walked away..
thrz no sting like tht.. thrz noone who can share ur pain..its just terrible..whn u r helpless!

Anz said...

When the person who means the world to you decides to walk away it leaves not only a void but a feeling of complete numbness. Feelings can't be deciphered....no hatred, no sadness, nothing..just numbness deep within. Memories last...last for forever....bringing a smile at times followed by tears.
I know how it feels...all I can say is hang in there...this too shall pass. If this didn't work out..there's something even more special and precious round the corner waiting for you. Don't let the tears haze your view. Take Care! >:D<

verbalfiend said...

Well love can drive you completely crazy......Must say very well written...

AnjuGandhi said...

first time on your blog.
very nice blog and heartbreaking thoughts.
You seem to be a person shattered by the Love syndrome.
just carry on with your life and take each day as it comes. Don't let certain incidiences of life affect your dreams and working.
Happy days ahead

SHWETHA said...

Hey this post is somrthing i can say would relate anybody. Very realistic and close to expressions..
Good one!

IcE MaiDeN said...

"Never long for anyone from your past because there is a reason why they never made it to your future"

Take care grl :)

Sidra Ch. said...

Reading your passage has lit so many lights in my head in acknowledgment of the fact that I have been through the same, actually maybe I'm still going through it. Thank you for being another voice for me. :)

Aarini said...

Nothing to say better than...but Ï know what you mean...

loved it :)

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Nicky Paul said...

A phone call is a phone bring in which somebody converses with a few people in the meantime. The telephone calls might be intended to permit the called gathering to take an interest amid the call, or the ring might be set so that the called party simply listens into the call and can't talk. It is in some cases called ATC (sound video chat).
Conference Calling Via Phone

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