....

dear T

i hope you are doing well...

i tried calling you last night... i wasn't gona say anything, there was nothing to say, just wanted to hear ur voice. i wanted so bad to hear ur voice, breathed a prayer that you won't reject my call, cz that would have broken my heart once again. glad that ur voice mail was on, glad you didnt reject me one more time...

i had a troubled night, waking up several times and asking myself in that sleepy state if ur network provider service sends you a list of those numbers who call but don't know leave any message... dreams of you, your voice ringing in my ear... you you you... that's all i dreamt about last night, like the previous 2 weeks...

it rained last night, it thundered so loud and while it did i was out on the terrace... the water didnt feel cold, the thunder didn't scare me.... shortly something snapped inside me and i cried with the rain... helplessness... helpless to let your hand go... iv been pulling at it for so long, making you stay... i realized i was getting nowhere because the magic that we had had long gone and even if i were single again, nothing would be the same. 

i was scared out of my wits when i attempted to take shower... the water felt so frightening as if it would drown me... it hit hard against my bare shoulders and sent shudders down my body till i was forced to step out.

im learning to drive again, push out the fear i had that i'd hit into something or someone, then i imagined you. you have a driving license... how you celebrated when u got it... how happy you were... i was never a part of it. 

on my way back i recalled sidra's wall post that said you called her when she was sleeping. a surge of anger and jealousy ran through me... you must be calling up other frnds like you called me.... it wont be long till you get someone to replace me and that'll be the end of me in your mind. 

why does it have to be like this when i gave you nothing but sincere devotion? i could and still can cry tears for ur pain b4 even you do... i still cant decide if i can ever hate you... yea so i got a little cranky and went mad but i went mad cz they pulled you away... the fuckin pulled you away and you went away just like that... bond... our bond... was there ever any? was that "has-been" real or is this new practical life without you real? i have everyone with me... but that void doesn't fill.... only you can fill that space... damn you! why do you have to be what you are to me??

if i ever meet you in this big life where people lose touch and get lost easily, i would have only one question for you : "WHY?"