SOLITUDE

Do you hear the silence?

It talks to me…

Whispers in its own sweet melody.

The sting of solitude confines me in time
Like a Blind man looking for sunshine,

I feel the pain of autumn,

Leaves departing from trees

And feel the pangs of the night’s chilly breeze.

I hear the silent sighs of rain drops

The shadow of dark menacing clouds

As I search for a glimpse of life

Trapped in a cage of solitude.

Don’t free me from fetters of seclusion

Don’t search for hope in my soul

Just give me peace, give me bliss

Give me a reason to be missed.

Solitude…unspoken…

Transfixed by time...unbroken.

I...Cease to exist!!!

Goodbye to all those doubts, to all those worries...goodbye to all those words laden with poison!!!

The Crystal Maze was dying slowly...today it breathed its last!!!

Friends or Foes?

I would like to know if we are using the word "friend" to loosely here lately? YES this is a rant, not just for you but, for me as well.

We have our best friends, friends and associates., please answer me this, Why in the world do some people take pride in seeing you cry, sad, mad and ready to have a breakdown? Why do some people start a bunch of trouble and then run off like they have had nothing to do with the state of mind that you are in? These are the same people that you and I have classified as friends once. They tell you they are there for you and that anytime you need to talk they are there.. (bullshit)

People, if you can only come and talk/chat with me and it always being some rumors or something that is bad then I feel like you are not my friend... Friends don't like their friends being down all the time, or do they? (cause if they do, I guess I would be friendless) If things are bad and or complicated in a persons life why add more complication? I guess I was that gullible person that was too nice and did not see (or want to see) a bad side to some of the people I thought of as friends..

I have found that I have been way to nice to people that don't care about my happiness or me for that fact, whether it be online or off. If you have something to tell me from now about about a friend of mine, ex, sister, cousin or whatever it is.. Please think twice. I do go to that person and ask if that has been said or either I get mad and end up ruining that wonderful friendship with the person you told me about. I know I am to blame also. I am to blame for trusting you, Loving you and most of all, letting down my guard to let you become of piece of my life. Better yet, I did not see through you quick enough to save myself from calling you a friend.

IF you don't have your information correct, if you don't want your name brought up in the confrontation, if you don't want to look like a fool, think before you speak, or use someones name to benefit your "popularity or to let me know you are such a good friend, because all you let me know is that if you will pack their business, you are probably packing mine also.

It gets so difficult at times. Those endless tears after taking that 5 minute call, reminding me again that it was all once there and closing my eyes doesn't mean it never existed.

How I wish to know in my heart you're that person one call, one breath away; once more. I wish to call you at odd times, just to know, just to be sure you'll pick up each time, so that there can be one night that I sleep happily in the knowledge that there's no wall in between us.

I still know that you are a gem. I'm still thankful for those smiles that came right from my heart. I wish you touch my heart again and stay here to hold me when I wish to dance. So you tell me you regret letting me go... I did not reply. My answer would have been complicated and heavy with sadness and helplessness. It meant a lot for me, more than I'll ever show anymore. Can I ask you to come back and be assured that the crazy friendship we had once, you'd go against all odds just to be here with me one more time? Can I get the feeling that you'd do the craziest of things just for friendship's sake?

Please come back... It's agonizing to pretend everything's fine. I don't care what the world thinks of this, all I care about is having everything back... everything we created. I miss you...

....

dear T

i hope you are doing well...

i tried calling you last night... i wasn't gona say anything, there was nothing to say, just wanted to hear ur voice. i wanted so bad to hear ur voice, breathed a prayer that you won't reject my call, cz that would have broken my heart once again. glad that ur voice mail was on, glad you didnt reject me one more time...

i had a troubled night, waking up several times and asking myself in that sleepy state if ur network provider service sends you a list of those numbers who call but don't know leave any message... dreams of you, your voice ringing in my ear... you you you... that's all i dreamt about last night, like the previous 2 weeks...

it rained last night, it thundered so loud and while it did i was out on the terrace... the water didnt feel cold, the thunder didn't scare me.... shortly something snapped inside me and i cried with the rain... helplessness... helpless to let your hand go... iv been pulling at it for so long, making you stay... i realized i was getting nowhere because the magic that we had had long gone and even if i were single again, nothing would be the same. 

i was scared out of my wits when i attempted to take shower... the water felt so frightening as if it would drown me... it hit hard against my bare shoulders and sent shudders down my body till i was forced to step out.

im learning to drive again, push out the fear i had that i'd hit into something or someone, then i imagined you. you have a driving license... how you celebrated when u got it... how happy you were... i was never a part of it. 

on my way back i recalled sidra's wall post that said you called her when she was sleeping. a surge of anger and jealousy ran through me... you must be calling up other frnds like you called me.... it wont be long till you get someone to replace me and that'll be the end of me in your mind. 

why does it have to be like this when i gave you nothing but sincere devotion? i could and still can cry tears for ur pain b4 even you do... i still cant decide if i can ever hate you... yea so i got a little cranky and went mad but i went mad cz they pulled you away... the fuckin pulled you away and you went away just like that... bond... our bond... was there ever any? was that "has-been" real or is this new practical life without you real? i have everyone with me... but that void doesn't fill.... only you can fill that space... damn you! why do you have to be what you are to me??

if i ever meet you in this big life where people lose touch and get lost easily, i would have only one question for you : "WHY?"

Better Off Alone!!

I'm sick of people's judgements... their eyes their stares burning into my skin. Why do they have to be like that? Don't they have a life of their own? I wish this world was a simpler place.... I will rant about it more, but not for now... I wish they'd read this one.. just leave me alone!!! I'm better off alone than to try and be the way THEY want me!

Thanks for this new place Mayz... this is a perfect place for all that I am bottling up. Expressing becomes so important at times... letting it out is the only way to be happy again. I miss that one friend who never judged me... (you know who)... and though a lot... practically a LOT has changed, I do miss that time a lot... Sometimes it's okay to cry a little in order to be fine.

Thanks again for this place Mayz!

Just Let Me Be.....!!!

Dunno just why people cant live their own lives and let me be.

I hate it when the top priority of people's lives become interfering into what I am doing. As in how does it matter to them, and anyways also how does it even effect them even an inch. But no, they have to keep on interfering, poke their nose in my business and go on irritating me. Why..?? Why..?? Why..??

Well... to that there can be so many reasons - #1 - They dont have a life. - So, for that, Get A Life... Dude. Coz I have one of my own and I am contented with it, and I dont need or look out for your inputs from time to time. So before I lose my patience better get a life of yours or You'll see a different side, which is not that sweet. Please do not do that, you are a fren and be one, and a gud one on that.


I hate it, when people dont take me as I am. I really really dont like it when they draw their own meanings to my words. Please dont do that, it hurts me a lot because I relly never mean such things, its just a matter of - Difference of perception. :( Sorry for all the times. Yeah I am saying sorry coz maybe Its my fault that I am not able to make you understand what I mean. Sorry, Love you so much.


(Hope this post makes sense :P)

Stop ASSuming

What does your culture have to do with the way I present myself? I thought nothing, until I just walked in Krogers and paid with a check, to see my last name is allowing people to judge me.

It went from how are you today ma'am to ohhhh, your Jewish!

I did not answer I just stood and waited for my stuff. Then the question came. Are you all going to allow this war to end soon? Then I looked up and said I'm sorry did I have a I care to talk to you sign on my head? The moral to this story is. Stop ASSuming things and judging people due to color of skin, last name or religion cause let me tell you... You don't know jack shit!!!

Nuff said...., I had to get this out
Nehya aka the rude Jewess! LOL

WHO IS UR PM??

Marathi Manoos as PM...
Dalit as PM...
PM from the minorities...

Why can't we have an Indian as PM??

Use Abuses

I love people who use abuses in harmless way. They get pat from me every time I get to hear them muttering it. What the eff wrong in that? I recently had an attack of that and incessantly used abuses after which I realized I indeed felt better.

And I used it last night. Once again incessantly, till I was begged to be shut up. I in normal situations do not overuse it except occasional effs and bees to pals who are comfortable hearing that. However, last night was that rare occasion which any rational person would not wish to be in unless you are ‘Rakhi Sawant’ or a male version of her.

Read to know what transpired:

Wednesdays are as good as any weekend in my pub city. There I was ready to break the floor with my jumps and thumps with my regular pub friends. Trust me, you should have few friends whom you meet just in pubs and should be cut off from your daily life. I entered, surveyed the area trying to locate my pub friends. Upon finding one, I marched cutting my way through a group of young-and-loud hippies (or junkies), each one trying to outdo other and in the process I believed no one listened to any. Anyways, I crossed them, met my friend (call him Ridgeet) and soon we headed to the bar counter. Couple of shots later with pint in hand we pronounced our arrival on the dance floor and made known our presence by waving out to other pub friends whom we had located there on floor. Hugs and Shake hands followed. Ours was the biggest group there occupying almost quarter of the floor. And then I saw him. And he saw me too almost at the same time. Let’s call him Tripsi as he is always either tripped or in progression of that.

“Hey Boy”, he came howling near me. “He said that his ex told him that her colleague’s current boyfriend told her about how a common friend to all is now officially broken up second time with same girl.” A long winded relational theory landed upon my head in the middle of an unsuspected meet with this Tripsi guy. I said, “What”? And within seconds of realizing the Tripsi might say it all over again I said, “Oh, is it? When did this happen”? (Not knowing how else to respond to this myriad mysterious break up to my retaining-information-selectively brain). I was meeting Tripsi after almost six months and this is what he had to acquaint me with. But I wasn’t much amused as meeting Tripsi is like getting acquainted with such myriad stuff and sometimes some intimate doings of some random people whom you know only by name which presumably Tripsi boy never registers despite making him aware of the fact that “No, I do not know that person”. “Of course, you know”, he always replies. So, I wasn’t gonna repeat that. So, I acted as if I knew all those people whom he mentioned in his story. So, he continued, “So, what you think of it”? This was enough to rake up my anger and all those abuses in my mind started fighting with each other to beat the other in hope of coming out first from my mouth.

“Tripsi, I do not know any of them” (One last time I was going to say this). “Of course you know them all… Anyway, it doesn’t matter if you don’t know them… because they know all about you. I talk to them about you all the time.” Tripsi replied.

I suddenly felt unclothed and unprotected at the idea that there are people who know me from certain people with the same feeling in their mind as of me that they just know me by name. I wondered if this people in turn talk to somebody else about me. I also wondered how I can be of interest to anyone. I also wondered what they talk about when I am not there. Have you ever wondered? What would people be saying when they do not know you too well and sometimes not at all.

With these questions in mind added with the already gobbled down 3 pints of beer and not to forget the earlier two shots at counter I could not stand Tripsi’s crap and I used abuses once again within a week’s time and after which I realized I indeed felt better.

P.S This was written eons ago on my personal blog. Reproduced here in keeping the essence of this site.

VENGEFUL RANTING

Childhood days were so good....to be yourself. Utter anything and get away with everything for being ‘Oh! A kid.’ I still remember the school & college days when we all wanted to get out and start working – somehow get transported in to the ‘Real World.’

No doubt ‘growing up’ is fun…liberty to go anywhere and do all those things that as kids were to be done only when one ‘grew up.’ But growing up comes with its set of difficulties or rather challenges. The list of course is endless, but the one that puts me in a fix is to interact with people who can put your patience to test. People who can get on your nerves to the extent of making you scream and run way out of their sight. People whose daily To-Do list includes finding ways and means to worsen your already difficult day. At times you deal with them with ease and most of the times…..you simply don’t know how to deal with them or what to do with them. It is indeed difficult to choose from a zillion torture options like wringing their neck or poisoning their food or putting them on slow roast by hanging them upside down. (Revenge sweet revenge!!!) *Evil Grin* >:)

Unfortunately, my interaction with this category of pain-bestowing & tension-giving human beings has increased to the extent of crossing the boundaries of bear, which leads to this post.

I guess somewhere or the other we all interact with such losers (yes, thats what they are-when they can't deal with their lifes frustrations they wreak havoc in others lives)…but then what to do with them, however, difficult it is you have to be courteous and nice to them and by doing so you feel even more trapped & helpless. It’s situations like these which want me to go back to the days of my reading Enid Blyton and acquiring powers where I could go invisible and bash them up!!! Buhahaha! (Are they pushing me to delirium?)

Before this post gets any more violent or crazy, I sign off here.

P.S. Suggestions are welcome on how to deal with such people or better still on innovative ways to torture them!

ALI BABA AND THE 40 AUTO DRIVERS

Once upon a time to a far off city by the name of Chennai there went a boy named Ali Baba. Now like any other boy from his land Ali Baba was a little skeptical of the things he had heard about this mystical land…the language, the food but most importantly he was especially told to be very careful of the famous thieves of Chennai who in this famous land were called Auto Drivers.

They said it won’t be very difficult to recognize them…for they travel in a black and yellow chariot which were lined with posters of a Tamil Demi-God named Rajnikanth on one side and different semi naked Goddesses on the other.

Ok let’s cut the crap and get to the point. I FUCKING HATE THE AUTO WALLAS OF CHENNAI. Bloody mofo thieves who try and rob the customer of even the last strand of hair. Infact I think these are the guys to who stole Chriz’ Red Underwear.

The sheer audacity of these guys is what urban legends (read Rajnikanth movies) are made of. Rajnikanth in most of his movies is an Auto Driver…actually he is an Underworld Don and who becomes an Auto Driver later on. Do you see the connection??

I am sure even Hitler would look like a rookie in front of these guys. My poor flatmate was made to shell out 100 bucks for a distance of 2 kms only ‘coz the poor girl was new to the city and didn’t know the local language. Yeah just like the thieves in Ali Baba these guys work in a group. You can’t take the next one ‘coz it quite possible the next one will ask you twice the amount and might ask you to get off after half the distance.

Oh and God save ya if you want to ride one of these autos during rains. Be ready to shell out everything you have ever earned in your whole life. Your savings, your wife’s jewellery, your children’s college fund and all that cash u've been saving to buy your girl friend that red...uhmmm wateva...u get d point rite that they’ll swallow all your money and won’t even burp. Infact its quite possible they’ll ask you for more.

Infact I rate them as bigger scoundrels than even the Ram Sena dudes. The Ram Sena guys went only after pub hopping girls, these guys even go after the Dog laying at the side of the road asking the beast to share his bone with them. The Blatant shamefulness with which they demand money should be a lesson to all the US Banks on how to negotiate.

Ok to end this post I would just like to say that the Chennai Auto Drivers are thieves, cheats, murderers and just ball-less, spine-less eunuchs, who make a non-tamil feel as if he/she is in a different country. They are just plain mofo bastards and I feel like shoving their own auto up their corrupt ass.

I leave the case open to the jury now.

Disclaimer: This post is not against Chennai. Any resemblance to any non-auto driving Chennai’ite living, dead, gay or in a drunk state is purely co-incidental.

((Not so..)) ..Silent Cribbings..!!

People say.. They are irritated..!! People say..They are Frustrated..!! People say..They don’t want this to carry on any longer..!! I ask all of of them … Are they then doing anything..If anything at all to change it..??//

It seems so easier to put other under scrutiny and through questions, but have I ever asked myself…what am I doing towards my frustrations..?? The answer Obviously is a big ‘NO’. Its not that I don’t wanna do anything about it, but its just that, I don’t know what to do.

I say..I am irritated and frustrated. But most of the times I don’t know for myself what exactly I am irritated or frustrated about. What makes me feel that frustrated over life. Though with time, and after much soughtful insights, I have come to know that the answer to it is… Not doing anything towards it, just cribbing and cribbing and more cribbing…!!

Ø I am Frustrated with my Current Day patters

Ø I am pissed over myself for making hasty decisions with the current job

Ø I am Pissed at myself for not speaking against that senior at the right time

Ø I am pissed at myself for not putting into action my wishes

Ø I am pissed at myself for convincing myself for not giving a fight for the person, who meant so much to me

Ø I am pissed at myself for not expressing myself in reality and letting the logical head take control.

Ø I am pissed at myself for letting the logical head take over even in the matters of Heart sometimes

Ø I am pissed at myself for not taking the first step forward

But what still makes me happy, is the fact that after all these facts I don’t and cannot hate myself, I have accepted my faults in the past and decided not to repeat them, be cautious and let the Heart take control. Give the Head little rest…and just go with flow. And most importantly move towards a new change a new life, which will put an end to my current tensions and frustrations.

Let's Agree To Disagree

When I decided to start my blog, I was not really thinking anyone would come and read it. I just wanted to do it as away to interact on my friend Ne's Blog. I have grown to like blogging. Still, I do not have any expectations as far as having a lot of comments and such.

I tell you one thing, I have gotten really pissed here lately while going to peoples blog and seeing all that hate, fussing and "fighting" on these blogs. I mean really? You do know that half of the people that leave comments, whether good or bad you are probably not going to see at all, right? So why do we get our panties/boxers all in a bunch?

I have a list of the types of blogger's that I try to stay away from, WHY? Because they piss me the Fuck off.

1). The blogger that wants the world to feel sorry for the mishaps that have happened in their lives or someones comment rubbed them the wrong way and they want to quit blogging. But the kicker here is they come back 2 days later refreshed, WHY THE HELL you leave when you coming back tomorrow? Sympathy is used on the people that really need it. Not people that "HAVE" to have it to feel good and wanted.

2). The Blogger that comments as a Anon. OMG, THIS PISSES ME REALLY BAD. You want to "voice" your opinion, or you want to Flirt with someone elses man and/or Cuss the person out, so you decide that being an ANON is going to get your point across? I detest people that "hide" Makes me wanna vomit. But I do thank you, because I LOVE laughing.

3). The Commenter that cannot come to your blog because of your language. Seriously? I may have had a bad day and I want to blog about it, It is my blog right? I don't have to explain, Just stay the FUCK away.

4). The blogger that keeps on saying, You have not been to my blog yet. I am fully aware of not being at your blog. You coming and reminding me, is not going to make me come there any faster, if ever.

5). The Blogger/commenter that is always right, and wants to fuss about it all the time. NEWSFLASH you are not going to out argue me. I WILL have the last word. Believe That. It is MY blog right?

In Conclusion:
I want to get along with everyone. I don't like being rude I love happy faces at all times.
"Let's agree to disagree" Ok? Then blogsville will be a better place. I love you all.

*These points and this post is all views of Chan. So please do not take it out on the authors of this blog. If any hate mail comes from this post, I will make sure that the correct authorities are contacted & I will have a field day laughing at it*

Chan

EMOTIONAL ATYACHAR

Hate waking up early in the morning and abuse the whole world for it?? On your way to office get stuck in a fucking traffic jam everyday?? The guy behind you can’t stop honking and on the other side there is a bus trying to drive over your car. You reach office and find your Boss already there and wonder whether he has no life…infact you wonder whether he even went home and you realize he didn’t when you see a mail by him sent at 3:57 am!!!

Your girlfriend calls you in the middle of a meeting and accuses you of not loving her anymore as you didn't call her “coochie coo” in the morning or your boyfriend is controlling your life?? You try explaining and instead things get worse and he/ she calls it off. Frustrated you drive back home and again get stuck in a traffic jam ‘coz a mofo politician decided to take out a rally against the cruelty to grasshoppers in some far off island of Andamans.

Or are you in a college where people from the opposite sex are living examples of Darwin's Theory of Evolution?? Your Profs seem to be the direct descendants of Chengis Khan and the food in your cafeteria also seems to be leftovers from that era?? The exam papers seem to be of a completely different subject...rather stream...and you know the office peon's family even better than India knows the Gandhi family??

Relate to this?? Feel like Murphy is in Love with you?? Feel life sucks and the hot chick next to you doesn’t?? The hunk in a marriage turns out to be your distant cousin?? Wanna crib, criticize, abuse…basically just wanna vent out against everything around…Job, College, Love, Politics, India Tv??? Or simply not able to have chicken during navratras??

Well you are at the right place then…we’ll listen to you…we’ll back you…we’ll abuse with you…we’ll help you with the “blanket pitai” of your boss…we might also help you get that hot chick ;)

Welcome to EMOTIONAL ATYACHAR.

Jahan hum atyachar karne walon ka balatkaar karte hain...

ps: membership open :)